Emerging Stronger with Assertiveness
The best definition I’ve ever heard for Assertiveness is “Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don’t say it mean.” So simple and complete! Can you hear the “ping?” Not surprisingly, assertiveness is one of the Big Five EQ Skills because words have incredibly significant weight. Words spoken too aggressively or harshly can have just as much negative impact as words withheld or not spoken at all. Hopefully, we can all agree that words, when spoken thoughtfully and respectfully, can bring clarity, energy, action, and even life.
In his book The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz outlines the first and most important agreement as “Be impeccable with your word.” He encourages us to, “Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.” This is great guidance for those of us wanting to make a deeper impact, and it involves being much more aware and in control of the things we are thinking and saying to ourselves and also thoughts and words we express to others.
But in reality, there are two challenges with assertiveness, and you likely face one or the other more frequently. First is the issue of extreme candor, directness, and being blunt to the point that your words have a scalpel-like effect on another person’s well-being. This kind of extreme assertiveness (also known as aggressiveness) often happens in the heat of the moment, when emotions are strong and stakes seem high. The impact can be devastating, long-lasting, and incredibly traumatic- the perfect conditions for a “defining moment” for someone we care about.
The second issue centers on people withholding the expression of thoughts and words. They don’t say what they are thinking to the person who needs to hear it. This withholding of information is rationalized, often unconsciously, in many ways:
“It’s not my place to say anything.”
“I don’t want to hurt their feelings.”
“I’m afraid of what they will think of me.”
“I don’t want them to be mad at me or not like me.”
“That makes me very uncomfortable- I don’t like conflict.”
“I don’t want to rock the boat.”
In most of these examples, notice that the focus is on the person who should be sharing thoughts and feelings, not the person receiving the thoughts and words, which in my opinion is rather selfish and shortsighted.
In the case of both the overly assertive or aggressive person and the person who doesn’t speak up the resolution to these challenges can be achieved when we intentionally adapt our natural drives.
I like to think of it as always working to be the “Right Size.” The “right size” means we aren’t so big on the outside that we dominate others, have to direct all the traffic and hold incredibly high and oftentimes unrealistic expectations of ourselves and others. It also means we aren’t so small on the inside that we don’t feel worthy enough to say what we think, share what we are observing, or be courageous enough to “rock the boat.”
Let’s face it- telling people the truth isn’t ever easy, but as the saying goes- it can certainly set us “free”. And while it is difficult to hear critical feedback or learn that I made a mistake or my actions have upset someone, I must admit that most of what people have had the courage to share with me has been game-changing for me in good ways. In fact, I’m glad they didn’t rip me off of this helpful feedback. Perhaps this can be your motivation to “not rip others off” of the important perspective and opinion you have to share.
Finally, I believe assertiveness is founded in honoring yourself and honoring the other person. Watch what you say to yourself and to others and do your best to keep it “above the line.” (Look for a blog post on that to follow soon...) Be courageous enough to share your truth- it just might be the game-changer a friend, a colleague, your boss, or your team needs!